I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
