so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
