she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
kristin has been a bad kristin
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.