she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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