My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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