Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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