Why are handjobs necessary in class?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
