I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
