I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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