is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
