he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
