so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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