Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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