Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
