Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
