you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
