dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
