Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
