so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
