I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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