Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
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I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
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idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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