Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
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4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
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Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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