I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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