I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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