so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
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Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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