I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
