just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
