Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
