I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
