I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I am one with the molecules
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize