last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
