You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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