remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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