Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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