Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
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My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My penis needs a shock collar
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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