tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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