If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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