he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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