if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
