Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
After last night, I could never be a politician.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
