Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
