there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
