I'm pants shitting drunk right now
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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