Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
