I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
