I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
