he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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