Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
