he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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