dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She told me I should be a condom model.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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