My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
