You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
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I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
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My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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