Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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