You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I can text with my tongue
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
