If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
