Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
